Body Image

No matter how much you try to not be affected by the media, by peoples comments, by gossip, or by others opinions of you, there will always be those areas of self-doubt lingering in your mind.  Who from the 90's doesn't remember "36-24-36 - Haha.  Only if she's 5'3"!"  (Sir Mix-A-Lot's Baby Got Back).  When that song came out, I remember going to go find my mom's measuring tape to find out what my measurements were, and then worrying that they weren't good enough.  I think I have only had 2 years since I was 16 years old where I didn't care about what others thought of me and my body.  Ahhh, the freedom of I not trying to cover myself up in baggy clothes or to dress sexy - I wore what I wanted instead of trying to fit into what everyone else was wearing.  All of my friends had such completely different body types that we never felt like we had to look like each other. 

After having major body image issues for 14 years, I'm on the road to try to fix myself - body, mind, and soul.  I am really trying hard to get it into my head that I don't have to look like anyone else to be happy.  That's pretty tough though, can I just tell you?!  Countless research has shown that we remember bad things easier and more vividly than the good things.  So, 10 of your friends say that they love your new hair cut and color, but 1 criticizes it - she says it makes you look weird or something.  You know the others loved it, but that 1 person created such doubt in your mind that now all you see in the mirror is that you look weird, even if you loved it before she said anything.  And what's even worse about it is that it works with both direct, indirect, and off-handed comments.  For example: Your boyfriend says "Megan Fox is hot!"  What you should say is "Yeah, she's beautiful."  But all too often you are thinking "Oh no. He likes brunettes.  Maybe I should dye my hair." or "He must think I'm fat compared to her."   REALITY CHECK - He isn't comparing you to Megan Fox, so why should you?  When you say "Brad Pitt is handsome", you aren't comparing your boyfriend to him - so remember that it works the same way with him.

To top it all off, we are actively trying to make ourselves feel even worse!  We make comments about ourselves and then judge other peoples reactions to what we said.  "I'm so big and ugly!"  If they don't automatically say "No, you're beautiful!" or "You're not fat.", or even just "I like you just the way you are!", then we worry that they are trying to find a tactful way of saying that they agree with you.  If they wait a couple of seconds to say something positive, then we jump to the conclusion that they are lying to spare our feelings.  So then not only are you thinking something bad about yourself, then you think that the other person agrees with you.  Why do we do that to ourselves!?!?!?!  And the even bigger question is - How do we stop doing it?

While reading the November Glamour magazine, some Victoria's Secret models admitted that they have body images as well.  On a job, they have professional make up, stylists, hair dressers, great lighting, and if that doesn't make them look amazing enough, then their photos are retouched to perfection.  When they are home without those things, they compare their real selves to their modeling photos, and it makes them feel bad.  Photoshop can be a great tool, don't get me wrong.  When I was having my senior pictures done in high school, the majority of them were taken outside with the mosquitoes eating away at me.  When I went in to view the photos, my face and body were covered with large red bites, and in several photos you could actually see the bugs on my skin!  I had those re-touched to remove the bites and the bugs, so then what was left was the real me.  But all to often now, people are using the programs to slim their bodies, tame their hair, even out their skin, and even make themselves taller.  Then they wonder why the person in the mirror doesn't match their cool Facebook photo! 

If you're not happy about a facet of your image, then do something about it.  If you think you're fat, then diet, join the gym, or do other activities to get into shape.  If you have bad skin, see a dermatologist.  If you don't like your teeth, see a dentist or orthodontist.  If you can't get passed your issues, try seeing a therapist.   I know that all of this is easier said than done.  I have been going to the gym for almost 4 years now, and I am still unhappy with my body, all the time.  I hate that I can't get the bad comments out of my head, especially when my husband looks at me like I am the most beautiful and sexy woman alive. I need to start seeing myself the way he sees me.

Sometimes it would be nice to be a man.  Even if they have body issues, they are a lot better at covering them up.  I had to laugh when I saw the photo below.  It just says it all, right?

So the next time you hear things like:

• You look so much prettier with long hair.
• Have you thought about updating your wardrobe?
• If you were mine, I would get you down to 120 lbs. 
• I would be so much more excited if you were talking about you getting Botox.
• If you had bigger boobs, then the rest of you would look smaller.  
• Your butt looks saggy in those jeans.
• I hate bright nail polish - but on you it's okay.... 

Remember that some comments may be meant to bring you down, but others may be meant to bring you up!  And if you don't like the comments the way they were said, try to put a positive spin on it in your head. 
"Yeah, I do look pretty with long hair, but my short haircut rocks, it's versatile, and easy to do!" 
"Yep, I need to get new jeans, because I have literally been working my ass off at the gym!"

I am not sure if I will ever have a good body image of my complete self.  I will always have stretch marks (or my "tiger stripes" from being pregnant), I have a baby-belly shelf, I have some saggy skin from losing weight that I pray tightens up, and I have a weird frankenstein scar on my back from my surgery.  I can't change those things, so I need to learn to accept them and just try to change the things that I can.  I can continue to tone my body, get clothes that fit well, and I am going to get braces to fix the crowding in my teeth.  There will be other things along the way, but right now, even slow progress is progress.  :)

Another size one.....

Weekend afternoons are reserved for "quiet time".  Normally, mom takes a nap, the boys either nap or stay in their playroom, and dad watches movies or shows that only he likes. 

Today, I decided not to take a nap.  I had a cup of coffee with lunch, so that was a big part of it.  I left James to watch one of his movies and I went upstairs to the bedroom to do whatever....  I decided to clean a little and dust.  And I also wanted to try on some of my old dresses from 10 years ago.  Yeah, I know what you're thinking - "Why on earth would she have kept dresses from so long ago?!?!"  Well, normally they would have been given away, especially since for most of those 10 years, I couldn't fit into them.  But these dresses have sentimental value.  I bought 2 white dresses right before my wedding so that I would have a white dress to wear as I left the reception to head for the airport.  I bought 2 because I wasn't sure which one I liked best, and because I wanted both for the formal nights on the cruise.  Both are knee length and white.  One is strapless (but can add straps) with a long slit in the back.  The other is sleeveless, a high neckline in the front and a deep V in the back, and had two high slits in both the front and the back.  I really, really like them both. 

I wasn't expecting much when I wanted to try them on, but both fit!  They didn't fit exactly like they did 10 years ago, before I had babies and loose skin from weight loss.  They zipped up easily - and would have looked so much better had I not been wearing black panties.  Oh well.  At least I know that if for some reason I need a dress, I have 2 in my closet ready for that.  Just give me some spanx & a cute sweater/jacket, and I will be good to go!

Naps

I love my weekend naps, but I found someone who likes them more than I do.

Dobby.  He sleeps in his crate in the closet at night, so naps are the only time he is allowed to sleep on the bed.  He snores so loud and just takes over.

Looks like...

I was going through my facebook feed tonight and thought "if anyone ever looked through my FB feed the way I see it, they would totally think I'm a lesbian! "  It's not that I only have pics of women - I also have lots of pics of sexy men - I just love erotic photography and those FB sites tend to post the most. 

Dreams!

After a night of tossing and turning and way too much dreaming, I woke up and very vividly remembered 3 dreams.  So, I thought I would write them down, and what better place than this!

1st dream -
My friends Wes and Julia moved to a house, and she had some women over for something...  not sure what it was though.  The house was laid out like my friend Nikki's sister-in-laws house near Wash Park, but was all dark woods and paint in the dream.  Now, Julia in real life is a picky eater, and a total American food girl.  But in my dream, she was talking about her organic food garden with kale, spinach, tomatoes, onions, parsnips, strawberries, etc.  They recycle and compost, and they have solar panels in the back of the house.  She sold her car, got a job at a whole foods market, and bikes to work.  She had a black cat and a pug puppy. 
It was really bizarre because that isn't how they are at all...  Not sure what it meant.

2nd dream -
James and I were in this warehouse place, kind of like Apex Movement's warehouse.  But my parents and a bunch of our friends were there too.  And we were participating in some weird obstacle course / training course.  The first was that you had to take down a big man that was trying to attack you.  and another was a military type obstacle where you had to throw grenades from behind barriers and hit your targets.

3rd dream -
I was a guy in some sort of prison or rehab place.  There was this guy that had screwed some sort of puzzle/riddle to this white outside wall of a dormitory, and it contained diamonds.  Apparently I knew about it before, so I had gone over and secretly stripped all of the screws so that they wouldn't come out.  So, the bad guy had a gun and was making all of the other guys try to get the stuff taken off the wall.  But no one but me knew that there were diamonds hidden in them.  I had the best luck of getting some of the cases off.  I was going to take them, but the bad guy caught me.  I shuddered awake then, so I am not sure if he was going to shoot me or what.  I would bet that's what it was. 

Inner fat girl

We were putting away our groceries from Sam's Club tonight, and I was pulling out the cereal boxes to put away.  "Oooooh, Lucky Charms!!!" is what I said, and without missing a beat, my husband said "Oh, hello Inner Fat Girl!"   I died.  So funny!

All kinds of stuff

1) I had to go buy a new winter coat.  The last one I bought was 4 years ago  I was a bigger girl then, and I thought "Maybe we'll go up to the mountains and I might need one of those 4-in-one jackets."  Well, I bought it in a size XL - what was I thinking????  Okay, so I was thinking that I would need it a little bigger so that it could fit over a sweater or something.  Never, ever happened.  So last year, I was wearing this XL coat on my size M frame, and I looked like I was swimming in it!  My friends laughed and said I looked pretty ridiculous, which I did.  So this year, I vowed to get a better coat.  And I did!!!!  I bought a Columbia coat, size medium.  Cute, form fitting, warm, purple, and totally me.  I love the way I look and feel in it.  Best purchase I have made in the last year.

2)Old Married Couple.   This just happened, so I thought I would share it.   We were walking into the kitchen to do something, and James said "Ahhh, we are such an old married couple."  So I said "Yup!"  And he couldn't just leave it at that.  He said "You're old, I'm married, and we're a couple."  LOL - it makes it sound like I'm a cougar having a tawdry affair with a young newlywed!

3)  "One, Two, Three - Fera Verto"   I was sitting at my work desk the other day with the music playing.  Dylan was watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets in the playroom.  I hadn't heard him come out, but I had this weird feeling that someone was watching me.  I turned around and he was standing behind me with a pretend wand in his hand whispering at me.  I asked him what he was doing, and he said "One, Two, Three - Fera Verto" while giggling.  So I pretended to be offended and said "Are you trying to turn me into a water goblet????"  And we both cracked up laughing.  It was hilarious!!!!!  He is really into Harry Potter now and just finished reading the first book.  He may not look like me, but he is so my kid!!

Giggly

We put the kids to bed and my husband went downstairs while I fixed my nail polish.  All of the sudden I hear my 31 year old, 6'2" burly man giggling like a school girl.  What?!?!? 
I go downstairs and he is chasing around Dobby the pug.  It was so frickin' hilarious!!!!