Totally Numb

I am from Aurora, CO.  Many people have never heard of our city - that is until 7/20/12.  That was when a psycho man from San Diego went on the worst rampage this state, and possibly this county, has ever seen.  12 people died, and 50+ people were injured.  He surrendered, and I am hoping that some day we will have a few answers as to why this happened.  In the Columbine shootings, we knew fairly quickly why it happened.  But this just seems senseless.  WHY!??

Here is another set of thoughts on this:
http://erikaandlifehappens.blogspot.com/2012/07/a-terrible-tragedy.html?spref=fb
Her thoughts mirror mine and just about everyone else I have talked to about it.  We just don't understand.

I found out about this tragedy via someone I had met a day before.  My company is buying a truck from Dallas Dodge.  On Thursday I spent some time talking to a man named Scott Arnold about the truck, and we also talked about the places we lived.  He mentioned how he loved Denver and how safe it seemed, and how Dallas just wasn't as safe.  When I woke up Friday morning, I started it just like every other day.  I got up, turned on my phone, and crawled in the shower.  I heard that I had a message during my shower, but I didn't check it right away.  When I got out of the shower, I checked my email messages first instead of the voicemail because I wasn't at my desk.  On my personal email, I had a couple of Yahoo emails asking me to write an article about the shootings first hand.  That is my first knowledge of the shootings.  As I was reading that email, I got a call from Scott.  The first thing he asked me was if I was okay, and he said that he had left me a VM already to check on me.  He said he was worried about me because of the news he had just heard.  It was really super sweet of him, given that I had never met him in person and had just talked to him the day before.  Not one person from my company in TX called me or checked on me that day, or even 3 days later - just this man.  I am still amazed by that.  Kind of gives you an idea of how people value you, huh?  Okay, not going to worry, because they're busy enough right now that I wouldn't expect them to read the news or think too clearly about it.  It was really sweet too that a friend from high school checked up on the people he knew that loved movies and lived in Aurora to see if they were okay.   Luckily I woke up late enough that I was able to find out enough about the people I would worry about most early on.  And the person I thought about right away was safe as well.  

I am numb and have no idea how to vocalize how I feel about the situation.  How does anyone in this community come to grips with what happened?  How do we express our grief, our feelings, our thoughts, or our questions?  We can't.  How does our community come back from this?  Is there any way?  Some of the worst tragedies have a way of making a town/city stand out in the mind of our country.  Think Waco, TX - do you know anything about that town except for the siege at the Branch Dividian in 1993?  Is Aurora, CO going to end up like that?  4 days ago, the only city named Aurora that you would remember is Aurora, IL, from Wayne's World fame.  I wish we were famous for that instead of a freak that terrorized a huge city.   I know that the media have made it seem like we are just a small suburb of Denver, but Aurora has almost 350k citizens.  That is huge to me.  It has a higher population than any other suburb of Denver by a large amount.  On a side note, it bothers me that some articles say "Denver, CO" instead of "Aurora, CO".  We are a big city, big enough that it should be recognized!!!! 

My biggest question in all of this comes from being a mom.  How do I discuss this with my children?  I haven't yet.   We had planned to take our kids to the movies this weekend to see the new Ice Age movie and I was afraid that if I told them about the massacre, then they would be afraid to see the movie.  I need to talk to them, I know.  They will find out about it at school in a couple of weeks, no doubt.  But what do I say to them now?  How do I make them feel safe after this?   I am at a loss.  Part of the problem is that I don't know how to deal with my own feelings about it, and if I am crying while talking to them about it, how do I keep them from dealing with it as I have?  There are counselors at several of the high schools in the area to help people deal with it - maybe I should take them there?  I don't know.



Okay, before I break down again, I need to stop talking about it.  I have so much more to say, but this is not the time nor the place.  I am just sad and I don't know how to go about my daily duties.  I am hoping that happy times are close and that as a community we start to rebound. And I hope that I can start to get my mind off of it soon.

I am afraid that my life is more affected by it than I previously thought.

Frumpster?

I went to the grocery store yesterday with wet hair....

That one statement should be enough to shock me into doing something with myself, but it hasn't!  8+ years ago, I wouldn't have even walked out my front door to get the paper with wet hair or no makeup on.  Now, it seems like I don't have the motivation to do anything with myself.  Have I gotten myself into a rut?  I stay at home all day with the kids and people other than them and my husband rarely see me.  I feel a bit like "if no one cares what I look like, why should I care myself?"  I do take a shower everyday, brush my teeth, and I put on mascara and eyeliner.  But most of the time, I can't see sitting under the blow dryer for 10 minutes to make my hair straight, or doing all of my makeup just for my kids.  Blow drying my hair just damages it, and why would I do that if it doesn't make a difference?  And my makeup will last so much longer if I don't put it on to impress no one. 

That got me thinking about when I used to watch TLC's "What Not to Wear".  That was years ago, and I always looked at what the women were wearing thinking "Why would you let yourself go like that?!"  Everyone had their own reasons for it, but I never understood it until now. 

I feel really bad for my husband, though he wouldn't ever say anything about it.  He always says he likes me best in my little black workout shorts or yoga pants and my hair in a pony tail.  He doesn't ever say "Are you going to wear that out?" - because that is more of a girl thing to say I guess.  But I worry that I am not enough of the girl that I used to be to hold his interest.

We really don't ever go anywhere that I would need to dress up.  We spend so much time with the boys or at the gym that I have just gotten used to not doing anything with myself.  If the first place I leave the house to go to during the day is the gym, then why shouldn't I just put on my gym clothes first thing in the morning?  If my hair is just going to be in a pony tail, then why should I do anything with my hair earlier in the day? 

Have you ever gotten yourself into a rut like that?  I am not sure what to do about it, if I should do anything. 

Any thoughts?

My Husband, the comedian

I am sitting on the couch watching AGT and reading the new Maxim.  I just finished reading the interviews with Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, and Colin Farrell on their new movie, the Total Recall remake.  In the article, they ask Kate something about how fans are excited about three-breasted women.  So, James and I start talking about three-breasted women.  James said "How could you not like 3 boobs?!?!"  So I said " I love boobs too, but I like just 2.  They're symmetrical - there are 2 of them.  How do you grab the third one then?"   Okay, so I am making some pretty funny hand gestures at this moment as well, but you kind of have to be there to get the effect, right?    Anyway.....   So, right on cue, he says "Just like THIS!"  And sticks out both hands as if he is grabbing some tits and puts his face right in the middle with a sucking-kind-of look.    
I cracked up laughing, as I am sure that most people would after witnessing it.  These are the kinds of conversations that we have almost nightly, which would explain the horrible laugh lines I seem to be getting lately. 

Accident prone

That is the most mild way of putting my bad habit of falling, tripping, bruising, and otherwise creating issues for myself.  It has been a running joke in my family for many years, as most of them are the same way.  I usually have several bruises about my body that I have no clue where they came from.  I try not to, but shit just seems to happen! 

This afternoon, I went out to the garage to put something in the recycling bin and stepped on something little.  I just assumed it was a small stone or dirt or something, so I rubbed the bottom of my right foot on the top of my left foot to get whatever it was off.  As I did it, I had a sharp searing pain in my left foot.  The thing came off and there was a little white mark on my foot, but I didn't see what it was.  I walked back into the house, sat down at the table to see what happened and there was little drops of blood all over the little inch long cut.  Apparently when I dropped a bottle out of the recycling bins about a month and a half ago, I didn't get all of the glass swept up off the floor.  There was a tiny flat piece of glass that I had stepped on and when I went to rub it off, it sliced my foot.

Needless to say, my foot hurts like hell from the stupid dirty shard of glass.  I feel like a complete idiot, but I am glad that it was me that was hurt by it and not one of the boys.  Then I would feel horribly guilty on top of being an idiot.  I am really hoping it will heal up a little by tomorrow so that I can wear shoes. 

My otter pillow

My husband got me a body pillow with a fluffy cream colored case when we got back from our vacation.  Last night/this morning, I had a dream that I had an otter as a pet. He followed me around because I was "happy", and apparently in my dream otters are attracted to happy people.  I figured out that when I was petting my pet otter in my dream, I was really just cuddled up with my body pillow.  It is amazing how the things in your dreams and in real life coincide.

4th of July, Pillows, boobs, and other stuff

Just  few thoughts I wanted to write down for now. 

• 4th of July - It doesn't seem like a holiday today.  I don't know if it is because it's the middle of the week or if it's because we don't have a real plan for the day.  No fireworks across the state kind of sucks.  There are a few around the metro area, but we wouldn't know where to watch it from and the ones that are actually still happening are going to be packed!!!!   Not that we didn't do anything all day.  We went to the gym this morning, went to James' mom's work for their annual BBQ, came home and took a nap, washed cars, played in the pool, and made ribs and corn for dinner.
• While we were in Cancun, our room/bed had a huge body pillow that I fell in love with.  When we got home, James went out and bought me a small body pillow with a fluffy pillow case.  I love that one too, but it tends to be too hot.  Anyway.  So, sometimes, he grabs the pillow and "invites" me to join him with the pillow.  We have been calling it a "menage pillow".  Sometimes we just chuck that idea out the window, but it is fun sometimes to cuddle with the body pillow.  
• I am still jealous of girls with bigger boobs than me.  I have some nice boobs - C's aren't that bad, but when you spend time with someone with double D's or bigger, it gives you a little bit of a complex.  Especially if they have their ample amount of cleavage showing the whole time and every man in a 50 yard radius has their eyes glued to them.  
• My husband bought wireless headphones and now can use them to listen to the tv instead of the kids.  I am kind of jealous of that too!  Aaron tends to talk through every movie we watch, regardless if he wants to watch it or not.  And Dylan asks questions about every movie even if he knows that we haven't seen the movie either.  
•  



My weird battery pain patch

•  I have been going to physical therapy for a few weeks now, and I had a new therapist yesterday.  He was a guy, so I should have been expecting more pain, but I didn't.  When he was massaging my calf and ankle, he was pushing so hard that it was good he couldn't see my face.  He had me pick up a tub full of little marbles with my toes 3 times to strengthen my feet.  and at the end, he put that pain patch on me.  He said that the battery in it will push the anti inflammatory medicine into my ankle, and it would only feel like little pricks for a few minutes.  BULLSHIT!  It hurt so bad the whole 2 hours it was on my foot!  I am really sick of physical therapy.
• I  am dying to get back to running!  I was supposed to start training for the half marathon on Monday, but I still haven't been given the okay to start.  I have a feeling that I will be running and walking the half marathon in September.  I still want to do it though.  We'll see.  
• James thinks it's funny that I haven't been given the okay to run yet, and still I am starting a training for the half.  But the Warrior Dash is up first, in August, and he thinks I should be more worried about that right now.  I am not worried about it - is that bad????  I can run 3 miles, no problem.  The obstacles will be new but really, how am I supposed to train for those?  So, I am just taking that all in stride and hoping that my working out will help me prepare for whatever comes at us.  
• Getting older - I know that we need to start watching what we do and say now that the boys are getting older, but it is pretty difficult.  When you have been living your life the way you want, it is tough to then stop all of that in order to teach your kids.  Some of the things the kids say is both funny and not at the same time.